This thought came to me as I lay sprawled on my bed, napping in the pool of sunshine that was coming in the window with my cats. This was at about 11 am. I had been trying unsuccessfully since 6 am to motivate myself to get up, and go for a quick run before it got too hot to do so.
I like running. There's a point in running where I stop thinking about my day, stop working through all the knots and puzzles and problems, and it all centres down to how I'm stepping, how I'm moving, how I'm breathing, and then comes the sweet spot. It's the point in the run where I think-don't think. It's blank, not in a foggy, misty way, but in a focused, there is one goal I am concentrating on and that is all that exists. I'm lucky enough to be able to meditate to this point regarding any activity, whether it's work, running, reading, writing- the whole world melts away.
Today while I was laying in bed thinking about running and why I didn't seem inclined at all to get out of bed and do it, it occurred to me that maybe I was right the first time I began training for a 5k. Maybe my body was telling me something.
I worked a morning shift for almost a year, getting up at 4, starting work at 6, but it was only around 8 that I could really feel myself waking up. Judging by that, it takes me 4 hours to reasonably be able to function like a normal individual. So if I was already aware of this quirk of mine, and compensated for it at the workplace, why was I trying so steadily to ignore it at home?
One of my journalism profs said the best writing is done in the first half hour that you wake up. I disagree. I've tried it, and my stories read like terrible one-time fan fiction. Now, when I write at night, it's gritty, it's fantastic, it's very much me.
Twenty six years and it has made me realize that I wake up better around 9 am, I can write fairly well with coffee around 10 to noon, from 12 till 4 is prime errand running time, there's a good three hours of napping or reading time until 7, and then I really start to wake up when dusk falls. I finish my chores or cleaning, and from 8 until 3 am, my mental processes are just simply BUZZING, no coffee required.
Normally when sunset falls, that's the time I like to go out for a run. Sunsets are gorgeous, and I love the idea that I'm running away from the day and its problems. Plus, the night is scary, in its coolness. Humans are genetically wired to be afraid of the dark. Is it any wonder I run better in it?
Once I realized this, I went and had a shower, then started my day. I had to forgive myself for not being the way others thought I should be, and accept that some things just work better for me. Railing against the very nature of myself just made me feel terrible, and got nothing productive done. Now, I don't feel the conflict I normally do, because I know I'll just run later tonight, and enjoy it more too.
So here's some food for thought; what have you been doing lately that others say you SHOULD be doing, that doesn't work for you? Here's a hint. If you're telling yourself that you SHOULD or you HAVE to do something a certain way, it's not quite you. But if you're telling yourself you NEED to or you WANT to, it's all you.
I WANT to go for a run tonight. See? It works.
Don't shame yourself for being different. Accept it and make it work for you. Different approaches just bring more opportunities to the table.
Now if you'll excuse me, I have errands to run before naptime.
