A Bright Eyed Skeptic

I was attempting to complete some homework for my political science course, when the author mentioned a situation in which he described two different personality types. These were; "a bright eyed student, whom shyness has never been a problem," and the student who exudes an air of hard nosed worldly wisdom."

I realized this triggered something, and I just. Needed. To. Write.

I've been much busier than I would like lately. When I haven't been hopping from class to class to work, I've been studying or working on CHSR stuff. Which is fine. It's important. These things still matter to me.

However, I've begun to notice that I have flat out not been socializing with friends, and that I haven't given myself time to really relax as much as usual. I haven't been working out, I've barely been eating, and when I do, it's crap stuff that makes me feel terrible, and I haven't been writing about it.

I feel lately like I am a bright eyed skeptic. I am highly motivated, eager, energetic, but at the back of my head, as I'm going through the motions, all I can think is: "Man, this is a waste of my time. I'd rather be at home right now sleeping in."

I don't actually think it's a waste of my time. But I am really craving that time that makes me less cranky. Less prone to those moments where I want to toss my hands in the air and say "Nope."

I was at an appointment today and I was told to just sit for a few minutes. I was detached from my phone, my homework, my laptop, and any source of stimulation other than some calming music in the corner.

It was the second most relaxing activity I'd done all month. (The first being relaxing snuggles with my SO.)

So I got to thinking. Is it time to maybe center myself again by limiting myself from doing anything for at least an hour every day? Put the phone on silent, hide away the laptop, stick some calming music on, and do absolutely gloriously nothing, but stare out the window at that damned pretty tree outside my window?

Will this calm down the crankiness in the morning? The incessant desire to punch people out that are bothering me just by talking to me? The temptation to bang my head on the desk in the middle of class?? Will it tone down on the skepticism and bring out that bright eyed bubbly self I know I can be?

All I know is if I don't start handing stressers off to other people, I am most likely going to flip the world the bird, and walk off into the sunset muttering "NOPENOPENOPE!"

The Oatmeal just gets me.

I *AM* Happy

I've been doing some serious thinking lately.

Stop laughing.

I've been thinking about my future, my goals, my present, my money concerns, and my attitude towards it all.

I'm a big fan of self deprecation jokes, as clearly evidenced above. When people ask me how I'm doing it all, or how much they admire my work ethic, I laugh it off, attempting to make myself the butt of a joke.

That's all well and good, but today, I began to think differently.

I ran into an old high school friend, and he greeted me, asked me how I was, and I jokingly responded "I'm tired."

His quick reply was "You look happy."

Now for those of you who Facebook stalk me, you're already aware of one of my immediate conclusions to this, which was to agree, but I got to thinking...

Why do I constantly put myself down like that? Why do I brush off my accomplishments? Why am I making something so important to me such a joke?

I think part of it has to do with the fact that when you start talking about yourself, even if you are proud of something you've done, society tells you not to brag.

Well I'm not trying to brag, I just want to talk about my happiness about how well I've done. Society then tells us no, you can't be happy you're not allowed to be happy, because someone else in the world isn't happy either.

When you go against something that is a convention (Convention is a fancy new word I learned in my political science class, which is basically an expected norm governed by political rule, meaning if you don't follow it, you are punished politically. Here I mean it in the terms of a societal convention.) in modern society, you hesitate to stomp all over it for fear of the repercussions. The repercussions here is that no one will like you, nor will they talk to you.

Some people may think that those who have been bullied in their childhood (like me) think they develop the defense mechanism of just not caring what others think, but for many of us, it couldn't be farther than the truth.

I'm now aware that I don't talk myself up because I don't want people to stop talking to me, even if I don't like them. I know now that I make jokes at my expense when someone brings up one of my successes, or my apparently prodigious (Digimon reference insert here) work ethic because I don't want them to feel like I'm belittling them or making them feel less.

"Hold yourself responsible for a higher standard than anybody else expects of you. Never excuse yourself. Never pity yourself. Be a hard master to yourself-and be lenient to everybody else." ― Henry Ward Beecher

I have this quote above my desk because it helps me continue to try to do even better, to push myself to more extremes. I continue to make fun of my accomplishments, but what I'm doing are just that, accomplishments.

Everything I have worked to has taken a great deal of effort on my part, and frankly, I think it's about time I start patting myself on the back. I can be as harsh a mistress as I would like, but it's about time I reward myself as well.

Because I'm happy, gorramn it! And I hope that you, reader, are doing something that makes you proud of yourself at least once every day.

Today's accomplishment: Allowing myself some much needed downtime. Reward? CHOCOLATE! *noms*