Don't Pretend Otherwise

I took the time to read an article today, found here, and it made me want to address some of the comments about transgender issues that I commonly hear.

My first interaction with someone who was in the process of becoming a different gender was my mother's friend Sonya when I was twelve.

Sonya was very tall, had muscles I envied, and long blond tightly braided hair. Her color of choice to wear was normally pink, which I personally couldn't agree with (I was quite the tomboy) and her skin held a tan much better than my own. Her voice was deeper than most women I knew of, and I could have sworn she had a 3 o'clock shadow, like Dad did. (Back when he shaved regularly, anyway.)

I remember asking my mom about it, and she explained to me that Sonya used to be a man, but felt more comfortable being a woman. I remember retorting (much to my parents' embarrassment and Sonya's entertainment) "What's so great about being a woman? We have periods and end up getting knocked up and there's never any cool clothes like the guys get to wear."

Obviously I've gotten over those feelings (although I still have a distaste for pink) and I'm finally happy in my own skin.

But there, I'm happy in my own skin. Isn't that why people are deciding that they are no longer male or female? They're not happy in their own skin.

I would be the first to stand up and agree that pretending to be something you're not can be one of the worst things to have to deal with. Imagine having to deal with that every day, with something as important to society as your gender.

We seem to be so fixated on it. At birth, boys are given blue and girls are given pink, to differentiate them. They start growing up, and boys get jeans, girls get skirts. A few more years down the road, girls get dolls and boys get trucks. For my fourth birthday, my parents gave me a little plastic kitchen to play with, and I was upset because I wanted one of those Nerf guns so I could shoot my friends. (I was a violent little thing. I obviously didn't care for the assumed girl toys, either.)

First, I'd like to share a popular picture on the internet that makes a lot of sense.

Makes me snicker every time I read it.

Really, people. Let the kids play with what they want. What do you care? They're kids. Remember when they used to only play with boxes or stacked things to create a building? They're toys, meant to entertain. If they're entertaining your kid, or someones' kids, they're doing their job. That's the point. Move on, you irritating idiot. Stop complaining about pointless crap.

I've also heard as a comment that this "transgender thing is just a phase". I've also heard that about bisexuality and gay and lesbianism. (Please correct me if my tenses for any of these are incorrect.) Listen, for some it may indeed be a phase. We don't come to know who we are without experimentation and finding out what we do and do not like. But that is for that person to decide, not for your big flapping gob to spew out.

Yes, there are children deciding they aren't happy being the gender they were born with. That's perfectly okay and understandable considering the world we live in today. Let them figure it out, support them along the way, and keep your poison to yourself. It is not okay to treat children like crap because of your own opinions. Ever.

There's also the religious opinion that God made us as we are now, and changing His work is sinful. Please note; according to the Bible, He gave us free will as well, to make our own decisions, and loves us no matter what we do. Like a parent should. Not a hard concept to understand. So why is it so hard for some to remember? (Not to mention the fact that if He is truly omniscient, then he already knows what is going to happen during your lifetime, which then encourages the idea that yes, he really is okay with people being who they are, regardless of what society thinks.)

I've heard some people comment that this was never a problem before, so why is it now? (I've actually heard "This transgender thing never existed before, why does it now? It's just a phase.")

Racism was never "a problem" until people demanded equal rights for all. Sexism was never "a problem", until people demanded equal rights for all. Prejudice was definitely NEVER a problem, until those who were gay, bisexual or questioning decided they wanted to damn well be with who they want.

Yes, there's absolutely no problems with our society. Except for the fact that we don't treat everyone equally and we should.

This, you ignoramuses, is a problem now, because people are important no matter who they are and they deserve to be treated with respect. Why are these issues coming up now? Because we've actually done some progress in equal rights, and more and more people refuse to be taken as anything other than who they are.

Flat out, asking someone to pretend to be someone or something they're not, to make society happy is just too much.

It's a good start, but we need to do more.

Gay blood

So. Canadian Blood Services lifted a ban on gay and bisexual men being able to donate blood. According to CBC (click here to open article in new window), the ban has been lifted and, as long as they haven't had sex with another man in at least 5 years, they will be able to give blood.

Really? 5 years? "This is a very significant change for us." they say. Oh, good for you! You found a way to give the illusion that you'll accept their blood. I'm sorry, but if I were in need of blood, I'd rather get it from the man who's been in a monogamous relationship for the last few years than the university student who can't remember the names of all the people she slept with over the last 6 months (I say 'she' because 'he' would be refused anyway).

I know they're trying to make the blood safer and protect us from STIs, including AIDS, and I get that. I appreciate that. I also know that anal sex has a higher chance of spreading STIs, and that's why gay/bisexual guys are singled out.

What I don't know for sure is whether or not they realize that straight people are capable of having anal sex as well... So if they'll take blood from the aforementioned, hypothetical university student, who may have had anal sex with 2 or 3 guys, then why not take from the man who's never cheated on his husband and hasn't touched another man in years? All blood donations should be screened for AIDS. Period.

I think my buddy Corey says it best; "AIDS is really a disease that all blood should be screened for. [There's] literally a chance you were born with it and don't know. If that one disease was universally screened, like it should be, then there would be no reason to screen gay men differently than other people. It's just a way to discriminate against minorities without breaking the law."

Come to think of it, why 5 years? That seems like an awfully long time... And kind of arbitrary, too. AIDS can be detected within 3 weeks to 6 months. Want to be safe; why not say a year? Want to be fair; why not put the same requirements on ALL the forms REGARDLESS of the person's gender or sexuality. It seems that asking everyone if they've had unprotected anal sex in the last year seems not only fairer, but easier, too.

I'm not against them trying to weed out high-risk people, but it's not right that gay men are considered higher risk automatically because they're gay, even if they've had less partners and/or less exposure to potential STIs. I hope they refuse straight girls with multiple unprotected partners, too, otherwise that's just... too wrong for words.

Facebook Indulges My Insecurities

There are days when you can feel pretty low, unworthy, and just not good enough. Everyone has these days,  every once in a while. You could be feeling great the day before, happy with the successes you've accomplished, loved by your friends, ecstatic about the opportunities life is giving you, and the next day, you could feel ignored by those you care about, below the par your friends are setting, and just baffled at what you're doing in your life. No matter how high your life is, every once in a while, you just start to feel low.

It could be anything that sets you off into this crappy mood; maybe your animal of choice ignores you in the morning, (Oh no, Fido, how could you?) maybe you drop an egg on the floor as you're making breakfast, or, maybe you're silly enough to load up Facebook and begin to compare yourself to those on your friends list.

This is one of those days for me.

Humans can never seem to be happy with what we've got, we're always striving for more. Of course, this particular quirk seems to get encouraged by Facebook. We inevitably begin to compare our lives to others on Facebook.

Besides the point that people tend to avoid discussing their failures online, and prefer to only share their successes, we're all also in different stages of our lives with different choices to make and different goals in mind. That person wants to get married in the next five years while that person wants to concentrate on their career, but that person over there is pretty damn happy about getting drunk tonight with friends.

So then I've acknowledged that it's silly to compare myself to anyone on my Facebook, and yet, why do I still end up doing it?

Why is it that even though I feel I'm doing well in my life right now, and I'm excited to do even more, that I have to hold myself in comparison against people on Facebook?

"Oh, she's got a MUCH nicer body than me, my body just doesn't look like that." "She's a vocalist in a band, that's awesome. Wow, I don't think my voice sounds good at all." "She seems to get a lot of compliments on her personality lately. I doubt anyone even likes spending time with me."

And with this, you can see how easily insecurities can take over what you're seeing on Facebook and make you feel low.

As a side note, yes, those are indeed things I've thought in the past hour, even though I logically know that it's bullshit to think that way, and that there's great things about myself too.

And people wonder why I deleted Facebook off my phone...

So how do you drag yourself out of this mood? Well, I'm working on that right now. A few suggestions are angry music, (turn all those mopey feelings to anger, anger is more productive) exercise (nothing quite like sweating your butt off to release endorphins, those will make you feel better AND you're doing something good for your body) as well as doing something you enjoy that makes you productive. Why something productive? Because after you're finished, you can look at that product and be satisfied with the work you've done.

I chose writing, and decided to purge all my feelings in a nice, easy to read format for everyone to know that yes, indeed, even smart ass hot shot bloggers have low days.

OH HI INTERNET!

Unrealistic Ideals

We're all guilty of having unrealistic ideals. I think everyone can get behind this idea.

When's the last time you watched a movie that had romance in it, or read a book that had a plot about romance in it?

Hell, I'm reading Shojo Manga right now, (seriously, I have the tab open on my Chrome and everything) and on Sunday mornings, there is nothing I love better than to perch myself in front of the tv and watch romantic comedies all day.

While fun to watch, or imagine or daydream about, all these give us really high expectations. I mean, I don't even want or need a room full of flowers, but these movies have taught me that really, my significant other doesn't give a shit about me unless he accomplishes this. (Really, just give me some seeds, a pot and I'll grow it myself.) Possibly, this makes us all think we need these Dramatic Grand Gestures, when in fact, we just need to sit down and take in reality for a bit.

First, there is a little bit of truth to the idea that you could run into someone you are suited to anywhere. But that doesn't mean you should sit around waiting for them, moldering in your hermit-y, bachelor ways. Get out and do your own thing. You should enjoy your own company before you enjoy anyone elses'. And if you can't enjoy your own company, you need to begin asking yourself why you don't, and how you expect others to.

In the wooing phase, are you? Don't just expect flowers! If you want to receive flowers, tell them you like flowers. Maybe for a special day, they'll get you some. None of us are mind readers, and we're all probably much better off for it. Same goes for jewelry, or stuffed animals or such. Keep in mind their budgets (How would you like it if someone insisted that you spend your entire paycheck on them?) and your relationship with them. If you've been casually dating for a month, stop scouring through the ring section, trust me. Rings are never a good jewelry choice, as they are with engagement and marriage gifts, which should only be given if meant. Also, how awkward would it be if you got them a ring, to find out it only fits on the heart finger? (Third finger of the left hand.) Yeah, exactly.

As a side note, if you're in the wooing phase, expecting someone to "put out" too quickly is a killer. Everyone moves at their own speeds, and both of yours can be as mismatched as either of you would like, as long as it's very clear that unless you are both comfortable and okay with getting physical, nothing it happening. No means no. (I mean that for both genders.)

So you've been in a relationship for a little while, and it's beginning to feel stale. You  know what you shouldn't do? Just leave it! Contrary to what we seem to be shown, a break does not in fact always help a relationship. Neither does cheating, sneaking around, lying, fantasizing about other people, or becoming obsessed with porn. (The Girl Next Door, anyone?) If you find things aren't going the way they normally do, then spend time with your favorite person. (No, not yourself.) Talk to them, find a new activity you can both do together, enjoy your time together. Remind yourselves of the reasons you both were drawn to each other in the first place. If you're not going to put in the time and effort to be with that person after the easy, honeymoon phase is over, then you don't get the lasting relationship that comes from it.

A lot of this all just boils down to being honest with each other. You've seen enough of what happens in rom-coms when people lie, right? Well, in life, you can't just fast forward to a big romantic scene and skip past all the hurt feelings and bad situations that come from altering the truth to suit yourself. So be up front about your feelings as much as you can, and try to remember to temper it with some good old fashioned logic. (Sure, you love them, but are you really positive that it's a good idea to suddenly announce you want to have a big family with them? I mean, hey, I want kids some day, and someone telling me that out of the blue would make me run for the hills!)

Something that should be mentioned as well, is that no matter how well it works out in the movies, you should never, EVER accept being abused, either physically or mentally. If you suspect you are in an abusive relationship, take steps to assure your safe exit from the situation.

Relationships are not just big, dramatic gestures. They're how you interact with someone on a regular basis. They're the little things, like a peck on a cheek when you're stressed, or a little note telling someone you're thinking of them, or someone you can talk to when something makes you upset. You aren't the only one in the relationship. Remember that they have needs and wants too, and theirs are as important as yours.

Just because you think you're Baby in the corner, doesn't mean they aren't the misunderstood Johnny blamed for theft.

So start examining those unrealistic ideals of yours, and maybe consider if you yourself would even measure up.

*goes back to reading her Shojo Manga*

The Balancing Act that Comes with Acknowledging Sexism

I've become very uncomfortable in my own skin lately.

I don't like that I'm constantly harping on about sexism, and things that I would normally blow off and just accept, well, now they really bother me.

They bother me a lot.

It feels like now my mind is hyper aware to any signs of sexism, and I can't shut it off. I see sleazy clothing ads, featuring women as objects (click here for a video that went viral, "Representations of Gender in Media" for a spin on it that is funny and sobering, with thanks to the host of "Epic", Marc Cabot for submitting it) and the way that the media treats women in general. And have you seen how people themselves treat both genders?

The reason sexism bothers me so much is because I pride myself in being a pretty easygoing person, (for all that I have problems with my OCD, and I'm struggling with my agoraphobia, anorexia, and -well, you get the point. I'm working on it, okay?) and for me to sit up and take notice of it when it happens around me does not make for an easygoing way of life.

I work as a waitress. I don't really need to touch on how sexist working in a restaurant can be, do I? Just in the news last week, a male individual was sent to court because a waitress complained he had groped her a few years ago. When I saw that they were taking it seriously, I cheered. In my mind, but I cheered nonetheless. (For a copy of the article, see here and for more writing by the author, see her personal blog linked here. I absolutely love her writing and her perspectives on life, and I heartily recommend you check her out.)

Once, during a shift, a married couple called me over to their table and asked me to settle an argument for them. They added that whoever got it right was the one who paid. I thought it was cute because it was the same banking account that they used, and it was just a fun way to bond as a couple for them. So I cheerfully agreed, and waited, smile on my face. The husband then proceeded to ask me my chest size, saying he thought it was B 36 and his wife thought it was B 34.

Are you freaking kidding me? That is in no way appropriate to ask someone, unless you know them VERY well, and even then! Unless you work at a lingerie store and are helping me pick out a new bra, you should NEVER ask me that question.

Of course, I was at work, so I had to smile, play it off, and hope for my embarrassment that they would at least tip me well.

Next case of recent sexism; my mother wanted to drop off an elliptical as a birthday present for me. I was excited at the prospect, because gyms are too damn expensive and I'd rather work out at home. I told her she could come by when I'm not at work and she told me to ask my boyfriend to help me carry it up the stairs. My response: "Uhhh, why? I work out for a reason." She blanked out on me, mumbled something about getting the men to do it instead of having to lift, because that's what they're good for, and then I promptly ended the conversation by letting her know I could do it myself.

The latest scenario; I was in a pool hall with a few guy friends, telling a funny/tragic story about one of my old roommates, and the word masturbate popped up, and suddenly, so did a guy from the next pool table over. I thought it was kind of hilarious (because sometimes drunk people can be really funny) and when I brought it up to laugh at, my friend shook his head and replied, "What do you expect? You're a woman talking about masturbating near a bunch of drunk guys."

It wasn't his words that bothered me, because he's absolutely right, that's what happens when you use words thought to be taboo in public, (I got sent to the principal's office for telling a classmate I didn't want to see him masturbate, but he didn't get sent, even though he pulled his penis out in the hallway, prompting my remark.) the people that are around you react strongly. In the case of drunken button down shirt pool guy, popping into another table's conversation. But my reaction bothered me.

Was it sexism that happened in that case? Should I have reacted more to that situation? Was there some way I could have somehow "educated" the people around me into recognizing if it was sexism?

See, that's the problem I'm having. There are things that happen in my life that make me over-analyze my emotional response and make me wonder if I'm impeding social reform. Even little conversations with friends, their comments they make about genders, like how guys can't cook or clean, and they're only good for lifting, or how women should just accept being stared at and take it as a compliment.

I want to be someone who upholds their opinions but I do not want to be a fanatic. I'm having a hard time balancing that out in todays' society. When is it appropriate to react in a certain way? How strong is too strong?

Can I please just stop over-thinking this stuff? Please?!

Internet porn... and how to enhance your sex life.

A new author has to make a good impression. So here I am. Talking about porn.

Ya. Let's go there.

But first, a disclaimer. Please don't think this particularly applies to me, that I'm in a loveless relationship or that I'm inherently against porn or masturbation. I'm not. What I am against is choosing a lifeless option by oneself over a real person and intimacy.

You know how all these little girls are going on diets? Trying to starve themselves or over exercise at 12 years old because they feel fat? It's because girls are shown images, from day one, of skinny, perfectly airbrushed, totally natural photoshopped bodies. This affects our self worth, sadly, and when you're constantly surrounded by all these women who are “better” than you, it really fucks with your head.

When we get to our teens, we enter an entirely new world where is contorted not only physical beauty, but sexuality as well. All of a sudden, we're not only competing with the Cosmo cover girl, but 90% of the internet. So how do these girls get the guy? By being slutty, easy, asking nothing in return and giving the guy whatever... or whoever... he wants. So what message does that send a young woman? “The way to a guy's heart is by giving whatever he wants, with no expectations”.

Ever go downtown on a busy night? Skirts nowadays are so short, you can literally see the bottom of girls' butts. That is NOT sexy! I love a good looking woman, trust me I do, but what ever happened to leaving stuff to the imagination? GIRLS. Get this through your heads : guys don't fall in love with (nor probably date) the slut. People are lazy, in general, so why would a guy go out of his to land a nice girl when his basic want, sex, can be plucked out of a club with little to no effort?

We cry sexism and inequality while putting on the makeup and taking off the clothes. Those women who are giving themselves away for a smile and a drink are fighting their own cause. They're fighting our own cause. For the love of God, just... stop. Let guys work to get you, girls. Like Mark Gungor (“Laugh Your Way to a BetterMarriage”) says; “You gots to climb up the palm tree to get to the coconuts!”

Want a better sex life, guys? (yes, I'm generalizing, I know. If this doesn't apply to you, don't take offence). Want your girl to do go bananas on you? It's actually pretty simple. Focus on her. Put the porn away, focus your energy on her... Make her feel sexy and desirable and she will blow your mind. Nothing says to a girl “You're ok, whatever, I guess” like showing her you'd rather touch yourself than feel her touch.

I know SO many women in long relationships or married... And the ones who have a happier, healthier sex life are the ones who's sex lives are with each other; not the internet. I'm not saying this is the ultimate cure, but trust me guys. A browser history full of 'hidden' porn is very damaging to a woman. I don't care if she watches it with you. I don't care if she watches it alone. I know there are probably girls out there who genuinely don't care... But chances are? She does. She might not tell you she does, she might tell you I'm crazy for typing this, but chances are; she cares.

The message “you're usually good enough, but some times I just wanna watch other women do stuff you won't do” is hurtful and demeaning. And if you're the girl porn watcher, then you might want to keep an eye open to how this affects him. I'm 100% confident this can go both ways.

If you think I'm crazy, check out Mark Gungor's “#1 Key toIncredible Sex”. I'm not making this stuff up. I'm not an angry wife. I'm just fed up with friends getting their hearts broken because they feel inadequate, worthless and unimportant.

Respect yourselves. Respect each other.

It's Easy to Be Sleazy

My response to the comments from my last post;

Hitting someone is wrong. Whether male or female. If you are female, you shouldn't hit other females or males. If you are male, you shouldn't hit other males or females. This is what is commonly termed physical abuse.

Now, I've taken courses on these topics, and I could haul out my textbooks, essays and binders full of notes for you and give you statistics up the yin yang of why people hit other people, why people don't report it, who tends to get hit, and who tends to be the one doling out the abuse, but I'm uninterested in that topic today. So you can wait for a follow up to this later.

So to sum this up, hitting someone is wrong. Don't do it.

It's simple enough. Got it? Good. Moving on.

When I wrote my last blog post, I used a situation I witnessed as the beginning to my thoughts. In the situation, a female was hitting a man around the face, and the man was being keenly watched so as to avoid him hitting her back, even though she was landing some good punches in and he was hurt. It was the commonly held thought of the onlookers that even though he would be defending himself, if he raised a hand to even push her away, he would instantly be held responsible for the entire mess.

My friend commented while watching "He better not hit her."

I couldn't see anything from where I was, I don't know how the argument started, but I did know, that, according to how society thinks, if he hit her, even if she took out a knife and stabbed him, sympathy would be with her, not with him.

This is sexism.

A friend of mine is a loudly proclaimed feminist. I know some of you are thinking, "Oh, so she hates men?" Actually, HE is a pretty cool guy. He's down for equal rights, loves to shred the slopes, and has an interesting fascination with kilts, motorcycles, and Picaroons beer. (Okay, he's strange like me, we get along well, okay?)

I bring him up because he made a comment on a previous poll of mine about chivalry, and how it was sexist. I went, "No it's not, society's idea of what chivalry is, now THAT is sexist".

AND THEN A LIGHTBULB POPPED UP ABOVE MY HEAD AND I WENT "OH SHIT I AM SEXIST".

Not because I agreed with society's version of chivalry (see here for my full opinion) but because looking at that example caused me to re examine all those little, day to day things that we all do, and just accept as the norm.

So he's a good person to have around because he will constantly keep me on my toes and aware of sexism in today's society.

And where am I going with this? Well, I am trying to get across to you the reality of how easy it is to be sexist, racist, prejudiced.

Those jokes you're making? Re-evaluate them. If you thought you were saying them near someone who would get offended, would you think of them as a victim, or not? For example, those rape jokes? If you said them near a rape victim, but didn't know until after the fact, would you still think those jokes are okay?

If you're joking about how men/women don't put the toilet lid down/never shut up, congratulations, you're making a sexist joke. Is it still funny? Do *you* like people assuming sexist crap about your personality? Then why are you doing it to others?

Remember, people, it's easy to be lazy and not better yourself, or put other people down to make yourself feel better.

Mmkay, I'm getting tired and when I get tired I tend to ramble, so I'll leave it at this; "Don't ask of others what you are not willing to do yourself. If you want something to change, do something about it."

No, that's not a quote from somewhere in particular, that's just how I feel about life.

Equality, Sexism, Feminism, and the Reason Why Both Genders Suck

I was downtown one day, partying with one of my best girl friends, and her friend from work, having a grand old time, eating pizza and chatting with a drunken Psychology student who was sitting nearby, when we heard some of the usual drunken tomfoolery: shrill screeches, laughter, and abrupt words.

We all looked over to find about four or five people in a group, three of them seemingly rotating around what may have been a couple. That may have been debatable, because the man was holding his hands up in the easily recognized "I don't want any trouble" position, his voice was low and steady. The woman, the usual kind of female recognizable downtown after 2 am (scantily clad even for warm weather, high heels she was tottering around on, a hair style that undoubtedly looked better hours earlier) was obviously deep into her cups and was an angry drunk, because the man's voice altered pitch once, in response to a shouted query from her, and suddenly, she dove at him and started punching, slapping and hitting him around his head.

At first it was laughable, because he was such a solid guy and there was something that seemed so... pointless about a girl that was a third of his size ineffectually taking him on. It reminded me of a fly buzzing around a person.

However, it became apparent that she was doing some harm, even though she was plastered. He had his arms up, protecting his head, but still missing a good amount of her attacks. I started to get sad and angry as I watched, because even when he tried to leave, she would follow him. None of the circling people seemed to be brave enough to hold her back long enough for him to leave. In fact, they seemed to be tense, waiting for him to react.

"He'd better not hit her." My friend was following the same altercation, and she happened on the same thought: even if she started it, even if she was the one who was currently abusing him, if he reacted physically, and harmed her, he would be in the wrong. I looked back and came to the realization that even though some of those people circling him were his friends, they would think the same thing, and beat on him and drag him away, the instant he raised a hand to the woman.

This, people, this is sexism. Just the thought of this situation makes me very angry.

You hear so much about men being abusers, rapists, and how men should never raise a hand to a woman. What about the other side of that coin?

Since WHEN did it become okay for women to sexually abuse men? Or hit them, or emotionally abuse them? And when did society become so accepting of sexism that they would take the women's side over the men, because obviously the men could have stopped it at any time (this is called victim blaming) however, if he had gotten physical, he would have deserved it?

Did you know that what is considered the only male safe house in Canada is closing because of lack of funding? Read the article here and, if you think you can handle it, read the comments of men who have been abused getting fed up with sexism, just as much as women are.

Just to repeat this, once again, sexism is discriminating against or giving preferential treatment to one gender over another.

As well, feminism is someone in support of equal rights for both genders.

Neither genders should be looked down on, or treated badly.

Also, damn right I will get angry with you if I see signs of this behavior from you. In fact, I could be very certain in saying I won't want to speak to you socially.

Until this is realized as socially unacceptable, I'll be over here in my corner screaming about real equality until I'm blue in the face.