Downswing, downswing, downswing

I have a hard time crying.

Not because I don't feel safe, or sad ever, or not that my tear ducts do not work. I just cannot cry without feeling terrible about myself. I have been told so often throughout my years to suck it up, show no emotion, and move on, that blocking out my tears is common. This is a problem.

For those who were unaware (and apparently completely oblivious) I have depression. It is a lifelong depression. I will never grow out of or change out of or medicate out of this depression. All I can do is attempt to control the results of having this physical illness. For the rest of my life, I will be very aware that one wrong move could make me end up considering self harm or suicide.

I am not depression. Depression does not define my life, nor does it make me who I am. I am who I am in spite of my depression. I am a talented. motivated individual. I am a caring, empathetic person. I am a crazy and wild example of how depression does not define me. Depression is just an unfortunate reality of what I have to work with to do what I want to do in life.

Getting back to the crying thing, when I feel low, or am unable to watch my schedule as closely as I want to, I end up slowly shifting into a downswing.

I get it. I lost something important, it takes a while to leave that behind and move on to something different. However, every so often, things will hit me out of the corner of my eye that set me off tilt.

So now that I am in the downswing, how do I save myself? How do I make it okay for me to cry again?

Reading Lists

Happy Scribbles Saturday, people!

Someone asked me what was on my reading list for the summer. I laughed.

I should note that I am a crazy fast reader, so when people ask me what book I'm on, I normally tell them which book I finished that morning, which book I started in the afternoon, and what book I have in mind for the evening.

Well, I already got through a few series, but this is what I have left.

Yes, that entire shelf. I'm currently in the middle of "The Executioners' Song".

Someone also recommended pretty much all of Joe Abercrombie's stuff. I think I'll save that for the fall, during classes. You know, as a way to unwind. If I have time to unwind.

...if I have time to read. Or sleep.

*cackles and twitches*

Drool bad, relaxing good

Today, I did something I really didn't want to do, something I was scared to, and did it anyway.

I deserve a beer. *sips*

I suppose this post is just my way of checking in, letting you all know what's going on. I just had to mention something clickbait-like in the first line for you to continue reading.

But wait! There's more! (No seriously, stick around, I have plenty of funny stuff and things to tell you.)

So today I went in to cover a shift at work, and I was in a surprisingly good mood, especially for someone who was called in on their day off. Just another example of how awesome my job is now. I was at the bar, I asked my manager to grab me some club soda from downstairs. She races off, comes back juggling two bottles of the stuff (not literally juggling, just struggling to hold them in her arms) and hands them over. Silly fool that I am, I immediately begin to open one.

FIRST RULE OF SODA: DO NOT OPEN THE CONTAINER AFTER IT HAS DONE ANY AMOUNT OF MOVEMENT.

So yeah, it totally sprayed all over me. Standing there shocked. IN MY WHITE SHIRT THAT I HAD JUST WASHED YESTERDAY.

My manager attempted to withhold her smile and laughter. It looked painful. Then I surprised us both by laughing my ass off. She joined in. Enthusiastically.

I have discovered, in my first three weeks of full time work that when I get stressed, I don't eat properly, I barely ever sleep, and I was lying all those times I told people I gave myself time to relax.

Why do you people listen to me? Really.

I learned what real relaxation is, when I went in for a one hour relaxation massage. It blew my mind. I didn't want to move. I'm pretty sure I drooled. (I totally drooled.)

What this has taught me is that I need to stop pressuring myself if I'm going to leave the situation without a form of relaxation, or reward for doing so.

For example; I complete a day of work, and I absolutely can take the bus home to save my poor and tired feet!

Or, I buy groceries, prep them, and put them away: why yes I can have some of that BBQ chicken!

I'm going back to school full time in the fall. I'll also still be working full time. I am going to be stressed to the max. I'm just hoping I can keep my courage up long enough to get things done, and reap the rewards.

Because, (leading into that story I began with) when I complete something, and take care of myself, I relax a little. This makes it easier to laugh off the little things.

In fact, tomorrow after work, I may even take a book into the park at Officers' Square to read a little and chillax.

Because seriously, if I keep allowing myself to relax only once every six months continues, I'm almost positive the trend of me drooling more than a French Bulldog will keep pace with it.

Moral of the story? Drool bad, relaxing good.

Happy International Beer Day!

This is how I'm celebrating the holiday.