I've been dwelling on this a lot recently, and I've decided to share my thoughts on it.
To explain the back story, when I was 17, I was kicked out of my house, because my mother had been drinking and blew a situation out of proportion. She wanted to know about a fight between my then boyfriend and I. I didn't want to talk about it, and I said so. Her reasons behind wanting to know stemmed from needing to know if he had hurt me physically or emotionally, but I said no, I was just ashamed of the ugly things I had said to him. The more she drank, the more belligerent she got, until finally she said "You either tell me, or you get out."
"Fine." I said. "I'll get out."
I called my boyfriend, and he came over, not to just pick me up to take me to his place (where, sensing one of my mother's moods, I had previously asked his mother if it would be possible to crash at their place to finish out my high school career) but instead he tried to mediate the situation. At the end of it, my father finally understood that I just didn't want to talk about it at that moment, maybe later, but my mother kept pushing, and so I left.
When I moved into their house, I began getting some stability I really needed. I went to bed without being woken by any drunken people blasting music, I was encouraged to eat what I liked when I was hungry, which meant I wasn't eating cereal in the mornings anymore. Which was good as I am lactose intolerant, and I couldn't understand why eating in the mornings made me feel sick.
There was only one problem.
"My mother is looking at you to see if you would be good wife material." he mentioned flippantly.
"And?" I asked, my insecure side needing validation.
He lifted a shoulder, dropped it, and started talking about cooking and cleaning.
Okay, I'm older now, so I now know the proper response to this.
I am a woman. I am not developing just to become someone's wife. Maybe later on in life I may look into being someone's partner for life, but that will only be when I and the other person in the relationship is ready.
Second of all, being a partner to someone does not mean cooking for them, or cleaning up after their mess or making sure they have all their wants and needs supplied for them.
Being a partner, means, to me, being there for them if they need you, them being there for you, not wanting to spend the rest of your life with them, but not seeing your life without them. A partner is there in good times and bad, whether you're married or common law, broke or rich, tired, sore, happy, energetic, as a sounding board, as a listener, as someone to debate with. They don't have to always be around, but they never make you feel lonely. You are both proud of each others' successes, and believe anything else is just a minor setback in which you can either eat a ton of ice cream together, drink, or cry and commiserate with together. They are your best friend.
I'm pretty damn glad I wouldn't make a suitable wife, because I am firmly of the belief that I am an awesome partner. And it doesn't have anything to do with my practically spotless home, or ridiculously delicious baking and cooking skills.
I'm an awesome partner because I care.
(My seventeen year old self is now giving you the finger, for even thinking it was okay to say that shit.)
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You have the right idea here. Marriage isn't about performing a job, or that either party is to take care of the other, or anything that involves the idea of mandatory gender roles.
ReplyDeleteWhen I was in University my advisor, the head of my department, and mentor, always referred to his wife as his roommate. Never did he use the word wife and I remember students calling him out on it, asking him why he was so rude. He'd explain that he doesn't want a "wife" and she doesn't want to be one. Sure thy are married, but she isn't a wife, she's his lover, his partner, his best friend. They have a child together and love each other very much, but she will never be a mere wife. To them the term involved a lot of societal assumptions and stigmas that they didn't want. This was one of my first times seeing a hetero couple challenge the labels used for significant others.
When my father tried to explain that his new wife was his partner I threw up a little in my mouth. Mostly due to their relationship is anything but a partnership, and because I knew that my father was still bitter over his divorce to my mother that his use of the term partner didn't mean what other people mean. He was using the term because he hated the institution of marriage and hated the need for it because he still feels betrayed by it.
I look at my marriage with Tek like a two person team. I don't use partner, mostly because that word has come to mean other things, but it is a partnership. We are a team, we support and help each other. There are some things I do, some roles I perform for us as a couple, and some he does. We split things up based on our individual strengths. Some things neither of us do well, and some both of us do well, and we both do them. Case in point, we both love to cook, and we take turns. We both hate cleaning and so we both chip in. It's not about my jobs and his jobs, but getting things done.
The concept of good "wife material" is silly, because it is only when one can compliment, love, support, and not live without, does that make the person marriage material, but only if it goes both ways.
17 year old self, keep giving the world the middle finger, you'll find your way.
Quit encouraging her to be rude, she's bad enough already. :P
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