My Little Quirks (Number 34 of 18758394958)

Happy Easter, everyone!

What am I doing for Easter, you ask? Well, apparently I will be staying home, cleaning my apartment and feeling sorry for myself.

I'd like to hang out with some friends or even family, but they all made their own plans, and I've been so busy this month, I forgot to make any of those plans.

Living alone has moments like this, where you're reminded forcibly that YOU LIVE ALONE and unless you force those social interactions, you're going to have nothing to do, get all mopey and upset, and end up eating too much comfort food.

So I decided I was going to share another one of my insecurities that I'm working to overcome.

I can't message someone to ask them if they would like to hang out.

Have you ever noticed that I never contact you unless we're already out in public together, and it comes up in conversation? Well, I'm not good at messaging someone out of the blue and asking if they'd like to hang out.

It leads in to my fear of rejection, and of bothering others. You may not realize this from my big mouth, but I am terrified of getting rejected, and the thought that I may be bothering someone puts me into a cold sweat. Sounds strange, doesn't it?

I attempt to do little lead ins, like maybe putting a funny picture on their Facebook wall, or actually having something to ask them that they may know the answer to, or even updating them on something important that's happening in my life. (See "I'm getting a third cat!" If that's not a cry for attention, I don't know what is.) But after the conversation is wrapped up, I'm still sitting at home, staring at my phone with a furrowed brow on my face, practically blubbering at how frustrated I am that I can't just ask them if "they'd like to go out for coffee" with me.

I'm proud that I've gotten this far, whereas before I wouldn't even attempt a conversation, but I always push myself farther because I'm unhappy that I'm not perfect. Logically I understand it's not possible, emotionally, I'm sitting in the corner of the room hugging my legs with my back outwards and a dark cloud hanging over my head.

You may be reading this and going "Well, how could she think she's bothering anyone?"

Well, to give you an example, I never call anyone other than my family members, everyone else I message. So tone in text is very important to portray properly. And unfortunately a lot of people I message DO NOT convey their emotions properly via textual format.

So a message like this "Sounds like fun!" which was probably meant in a joking way, in my mind becomes "I'm busy, and you keep annoying me. Can you not just take a hint and leave me alone, already? Christ, you're so annoying."

With assumed tones like this, I quickly detach from the conversation with some lame excuse such as, "Well, I have to go to bed now (I never do) so I hope you have a good night!" and then I sit in the corner with my arms wrapped around my legs and a dark cloud hanging over my head.

Ah, such is the life of the crazy cat lady who lives alone!

I guess what I'm trying to say is, I may be looking for a roommate now. Must not be allergic to cats, must be able to handle my OCD and other neuroses, must be able to pull me out my funks, and MUST sit on the couch and have coffee with me, and discuss little things that run around in their heads.

That's right, I like having one on one conversations over coffee in the morning. Why do you look so surprised?