Depression is a lot of work

Today wasn't too bad, but it could have been a lot worse. I should have had more sleep, more sunlight exposure, and more social support. Those would have improved the day somewhat. But lately, it's becoming harder and harder to fight off my low moods.

Depression is a lot of work.

I'm not sure when I could have become legally diagnosed with depression. There were jumps all over my life where I ended up miserable and unable to leave bed. If I were to try to put a time period on it, I would have to say grade five at the earliest. That year, I strongly remember attempting to call the Kids Help Phone.

Last year in March, I spent three days laying underneath my desk wrapped in a blanket, alternating between crying until it hurt, and staring blankly off into space. The next day, I went into the cafeteria, where there was a Peanuts' inspired therapy booth. I sat down, and something caught my eye; the information sheet on depression.

The volunteer helping with the booth asked me how I was, and I responded by handing her info sheet and telling her "I think I have this."

Turns out that I was right.

Now, I spend a lot of my days paying close attention to a checklist. I opted against taking antidepressants because I had been on some earlier in life, and all I remember is fog out of an entire 6 months. This checklist is made even more hardcore by my crazy schedule.

If there is anything on my daily checklist that has not been fulfilled or completed, I can pretty much expect to be in a low mood during the day. I refer to this as a downswing. Upswings and downswings meaning how low or high my mood is.

True story, if I had at least a half hour of cuddles every day, it would improve my mood drastically.

I know this is all a little bland and boring for you to read, but I need to explain the beginning. I need to somehow find a way to wrap around you all my terrors, hopes, broken promises and dreams so that you might understand for just a second what it feels like to suffer from depression.

I don't think there will ever be someone interested in me, because of how broken I feel. I'm never sure if I'm actually suceeding at my dreams or just talking myself up. Any little thing, like a comment said in the wrong tone, can easily make me low.

But I am not just my depression.

I am giggling on my bicycle as I go flying over a speedbump, racing dragonflies. I am there to encourage everyone I know in whatever endeavor they strive towards. I am calm and reflectful while drinking my morning coffee. I'm goofy and silly, telling dirty jokes at work. I'm smiling down at my phone because someone I like just texted me.

Please don't assume that if I'm not sad all the time, I don't truly have depression.

I am more than my depression. It's a part of me, but it is not me. 

Thank you for reading.