Downswing, downswing, downswing

I have a hard time crying.

Not because I don't feel safe, or sad ever, or not that my tear ducts do not work. I just cannot cry without feeling terrible about myself. I have been told so often throughout my years to suck it up, show no emotion, and move on, that blocking out my tears is common. This is a problem.

For those who were unaware (and apparently completely oblivious) I have depression. It is a lifelong depression. I will never grow out of or change out of or medicate out of this depression. All I can do is attempt to control the results of having this physical illness. For the rest of my life, I will be very aware that one wrong move could make me end up considering self harm or suicide.

I am not depression. Depression does not define my life, nor does it make me who I am. I am who I am in spite of my depression. I am a talented. motivated individual. I am a caring, empathetic person. I am a crazy and wild example of how depression does not define me. Depression is just an unfortunate reality of what I have to work with to do what I want to do in life.

Getting back to the crying thing, when I feel low, or am unable to watch my schedule as closely as I want to, I end up slowly shifting into a downswing.

I get it. I lost something important, it takes a while to leave that behind and move on to something different. However, every so often, things will hit me out of the corner of my eye that set me off tilt.

So now that I am in the downswing, how do I save myself? How do I make it okay for me to cry again?