And yet, people seem to love hearing
the sounds of their own voice, while I’m trying to speak…
(Seriously, shut the hell up and let me get a word in edgewise.)
Well, I must remember not to let this
go to my head. Wouldn't want to get an ego or anything.
Okay, to be honest, now that people are
actually going to be reading this blog, especially people I know, and
enjoy talking to, makes me feel rather sketched out. If I write
something you don’t like, am I going to have to put up with you
bitching at me about it later? Because that’s just not happening.
This is actually the reason I’m not
sure I could be a novelist anymore, although it’s been my dream
since I was 7 years old, and had just started reading. (If anyone
cares to know, the first thing I read on my own, was “Crocodile
Pie”. You will be tested on this later.)
I’d be writing away, and then I’d
suddenly think; “OH NO WHAT IF SOMEONE THINKS I’M DRAWING ON
PERSONAL EXPERIENCE????!!!” So then I become paranoid and
self-conscious about any situation I introduce into the book. Because
you know someone out there is now thinking; “Oh, so she gets into
stupid arguments with people all the time over romantic situations.”
Or “Oh, I bet she’s had tons of experience with cars like the
1967 Shelby GT 500.” (I only know that car because of the movie
“Gone in 60 Seconds.” Also, I’m in my twenties and STILL lack a
driver’s license.)
Or, (oh please no) if I decide that the
story now calls for a rather lusty sex scene. (I mean, who doesn't enjoy sex scenes?) Does that mean that they’re going to look at my
current significant other and go “Heh, I know what YOU do
underneath the sheets with her, you dirty, dirty thing, you.”
(Please note. What I do or don’t do underneath any sheets with
anyone is none of anyone’s damn business. Pervs.)
It’s not just affecting me then, is
it? Now other people are getting nonsense from others.
Here’s another problem I have with
writing. If I am writing about personal experience, what if the
readers scoff and mock my writing, saying I have no idea what I’m
talking about? We've all had eventful lives, and some of the more
serious topics I would enjoy writing about now, are sensitive topics.
For example, in high school I was
fighting a losing battle with anorexia. Not many people know this,
but this is the reason I get so offended when people comment on any
weight gain or loss around me. I pretty much fly off the handle when
people accuse me of gaining too much weight. I was 5 feet and 8
inches in high school, and I only weighed 130. I was only eating a
snack a day. It took me years before I could finally gain any weight
to put myself back into a healthy weight category, and for the rest
of my life, I’m going to struggle with eating. (When I eat now, I
still have to distract myself by reading or watching tv, so I don’t
feel sick at eating normal portions.)
That is the type of experience I would
hate to have scoffed at.
So, what’s the middle ground? How do
I get the right sort of people to read my writing? How do I avoid the
kind of criticism that is ultimately meant to harm rather than help?
And how DO I find that “Crocodile
Pie” poem again? I suddenly seek my motivation to continue writing,
and obviously, my muse is a crocodile.
Hope that this was enough snark for
you.
